For most of my life, depression and I have been constant companions.
In the early days I self-medicated when he came to visit, until I got clean and sober 18 years ago.
That’s when my doctor started prescribing medication which did the same thing, only cheaper.
Depression and I still hang out every now and again, but as I’ve got older and found more to be grateful for, his visits usually only last a couple of days.
At least they did until recently. A couple of weeks ago he came back with a vengeance.
I was tired all the time, had no energy, constantly overthinking until I couldn’t get out of bed.
Just thinking about depression made me more depressed.
One day I was in Taranaki visiting a farm for the charity when I saw a dirt bike outside the cowshed and instantly wanted to go for a ride.
I’m banned from motorbikes by the family after a series of near-fatal crashes, so naturally I got on and took off.
An hour later I sent Jo a smiling photo saying, “Sorry babe, I couldn’t help myself.”
She replied, “Do we need to buy you another bike?” My wife knows me better than I know myself.
She’d seen this movie before and that smile was her lifeline to my happiness.
The next day I had 16 bikes on my Trade Me watchlist and spent the next week scrolling on the couch.
Meantime, Jo was on her couch scrolling too. First dates, then medication.
Turns out my mate arrived at exactly the same time I started taking a new medication and the side effects were the same as depression.
Just like that, the dark cloud lifted and the depressing thoughts disappeared.
But that’s not the story. The next morning, I went to scroll Trade Me again and the compulsion to buy a bike had disappeared.
I couldn’t believe what I’d learned about myself.
For years, whenever depression turned up, I’d tried to buy my way to happiness.
Looking back at all the shiny toys I’ve bought over the years, I realise how much power depression can have over our decisions without us knowing it.
Mine was buying things. Yours might be drinking, gambling, eating, working, shutting people out or something else.
Have a think about what you do when you’re not yourself or ask someone who knows you well what they notice when you’re heading downhill.
They might recognise your warning signs long before you do.
And if yours happens to be 16 motorbikes on your Trade Me watchlist, probably best not to mention it to your wife.
Under 25 and need someone to talk to? Book a FREE counsellor at gumbootfriday.org.nz — no GP referral needed.
